TV has taught me how to feel...Untitled

Two years ago this August I moved to Los Angeles with not much more than my car, a few belongings and a bag of mixed feelings. i was moving 3,000 miles away from the only family and friends i’d ever known and i was doing it as someone who’s never truly had a lot of confidence or resilience. 

my life has always been a series of, “when ______ happens i will be happy.” and moving to Los Angeles was another one of those. i was convinced my ‘out’ was in the california sunlight, that as soon as i got going there i’d be happy and perfect and my life would finally finally start.

truth is, two years later, that’s not the case. i struggle a lot, and there will be a lot of talk about that in this blog, most likely. however, that’s not the point of this post in particular. this post is about the above man and how he was a catalyst for my move and how he’ll never know it.

i have always been one of those people who get easily distracted and obsessed. the new star trek, j.j. abram’s star trek, was just another of those obsessions. the film was targeted to exactly people like me, people who had no interest in trek before who needed flashy cute boys to draw them in. in the end, i was drowning in the world, in the characters and the actors.

in the end, i moved to LA to work for JJ Abrams some day.

that’s the first time i’ve ever truly admitted that out loud because to be honest, i don’t think it’s ever going to happen. bad robot is elusive and difficult to get in with. i am one of hundreds, if not thousands, with the same aspiration. however, being in the same state, same city, same air as these people seemed like the only solution.

i wasn’t ready to park myself in great neck, new york, working at a little marketing company for the rest of my life, settled in to live life in movie theaters and daydreams. i couldn’t be that person.

i haven’t given up my dream to work for j.j. abrams, of course. i’ve got quite a few years ahead of me in the professional world. i will wait. it might not ever happen. it probably won’t. there’s still daydreams, though, and at least now i do it from my entertainment job elsewhere in LA and drinking coffee as the same cafe as chris pine and zachary quinto.

I’m torn between one of those bloggers that exposes my life without a glance, hands out my full name and location and occupation like it’s a part of the experience. My life isn’t that interesting wherein I’d be risking much, really. I have a job that I sort of need to use discretion with, but none of it’s top secret. I don’t have some hidden vices that would muddle my image and impact my career. On the other hand, I could be one of those bloggers that doesn’t let anyone know anything, using this space for nothing but prose and thoughts about life, editing and renaming everyone in my life in order to tell anecdotes about them because I like the air of mystery.

Truthfully, it’s probably going to be a little of both, because I like both. I like being able to say - this is me, this is my goals, this is my garbage. I also like keeping some things a bit hidden away; keep a bit of anonymity in order to avoid giving everything up. The reality is though that no one will really read this but me, and that perhaps is a good thing - it gives me an opportunity to voice my feelings and my concerns without laying it out for an audience (although one is welcome). I’ve tried this many times before and it never seems to stick; mostly because I get sick of my own voice and drama.

I’ve hit a low though lately, a quite and painful and horrible low that in the grand scheme of sadness of the world is pretty damn good, but to me feels quite like the end of the road. I’ve reached the bottom, the pit, and I know there’s no where to go but stay there, miserable and vaguely insane (mostly insane- I have legitimate concerns about my own mental health that I need to address) or attempt to swim, get a bit higher than the abyss. I try to remind myself every day that we only get this shot once. I will only live my twenties once, and it’s a fair assessment to say I’ve wasted (or regret) a big portion of it. I believe people when they say they’ve looked back and felt it was the best years of their lives, but I also know that that all can’t be true. I can’t be the only twenty-something who feels like they’re trapped and scraping at the bottom of the barrel in hopes to stay afloat.

I need to grasp onto something, because I’m currently living a life where little of it brings me joy; even my silly little fandoms don’t help me much. I am struggling to find my footing in a real-world life, and trying to overcome the loneliness that happens when you move across the country by yourself and have difficulty being social. I keep thinking - “this has to get better”, “my time will come”, and yes, I hope it’s true. I also know it won’t be if something doesn’t change.

This blog is for me, mostly, even though I doubt I’ll ever re-read it for myself. It can be for you, too, if you stumble across it.

We’ll see.